1. Cut down several hundred thousand acres of Amazon rainforest to grow soy for cow feed and to start breeding cows. Don’t worry about the species you’re going to endanger and eliminate, it’s all natural selection! If those pussies can’t adapt to us, then they don’t get to live. Those native tribes that used to live there? Just like those damn Mexicans! Let’s just make them work there, they’re not real people. To make sure you get a reserved spot in hell, make sure those cows poop and fart out enough methane and greenhouse gases to make China blush.
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| An example of prime beef cattle. |
2. Load all your greasy crap ingredients into ships, planes and trucks to be shipped to over 30,000 locations around the world. Add a few more million tonnes of greenhouse gases to the atmosphere in the process.
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Who the hell cares? It’s our planet; we can do whatever we want with it. Fuck those who say otherwise. |
3. Hire underpaid tired and sweaty Asians/Mexicans/High school dropouts to assemble your processed shit
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Can I supersize that lard bucket supreme? |
Add a few screaming babies and annoying Chinese mothers into the 10 minute line-ups for your cashiers to
deal with. Then pave the way for a drive through and equip it with state of the art modern speakers from
1960 to ensure that customers almost always get their orders wrong.
4. Put your burgers in a nice bright box with a golden “M” on it to hide the fact that it might clog your arteries
worse than the middle school toilets after sloppy Joes Tuesdays. It’s not our fault if your arteries can’t TAKE
THE GODDAMN HEAT. Remember that step where you added growth hormones premium feed to your
cow’s fodder? It resulted in your lard 100% beef tasting like lard fresh and delicious.
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The average fast food consumer in all his glory. |
5. Just remember to hide place the nutrition facts in the back of the restaurant under the food on the tray where they’ll never see it an easily accessible location. Make sure that your fries salt content doesn’t fall below 25% are fresh and warm or else people won’t like them. Sprinkle on a few dozen milligrams of sodium pinches of salt just for good measure.
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| About this much should do! |
The goal is to get these morbidly obese Americans valued customers addicted to enjoy the food.
6. Team up with Dreamworks or Disney to make small, cheap movie-themed lead-paint covered toys to throw into a bag and call it a “Happy Meal”.
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| Now with 25% less lead paint! |
Add cookies and caramel covered apple slices to ensure that these morbidly obese Americans kids are addicted enjoy the food too.
7. Let the morbidly obese Americans valued customers take the food “to go” so that they can litter cups, boxes and bags everywhere enjoy the food at home or on the run. Provide styrofoam cups to rip a big ass hole in the ozone layer with CFCs because they’re sanitary and efficient.
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Speaking of big ass holes, Goatse anyone? |
Become a fast food giant and start selling it everywhere. EVERYWHERE. To suit international tastes,
serve cow tongue duck burgers to those in Eastern Asia who enjoy an Oriental taste.
Feel free to learn about the processed shit meals you can buy in other countries.
Credit for the random outbursts of swearing goes to Andi though :)
ReplyDeleteOh yes.
ReplyDelete