Shopping

It's good to see this place alive and kicking, with regular updates and interesting blog posts.

O wait.

In another news, we're going shopping tomorrow! Fairview, meeting at this little seating area between Gymboree, Gap, and Guest services. Be there or be square!

Shopping is extremely manly.

If you go, 50 Man Points, free of charge!

The Watermelon Game

Time for a game review. The game will be scored on Man Points, Heterosexual Points, and Fun Points.

The Watermelon Game

Man Points : 10

Heterosexual Points : N/A

Fun Points : 10

Basically the watermelon game is the manliest, funnest game I have ever played (except maybe Predators and Prey). You have a tarp, water, soap, and a watermelon.

Go on, guess what happens. Go on, guess.

/jeopardy theme

I doubt you guessed right. What happens is you have a tarp, and you dump your liquid soap on it. Then you cover the damn thing with water so that the soap foams up and the tarps gets more slippery than 50 banana peels on a hockey rink (covered in bacon grease). Then you cover a watermelon in clear plastic tape, and dump it right in the middle. You divide your players into two teams, one on each side of tarp, and you number off the players. Then the central-authority figure-person-guy calls out a number, and the two players with that number go out onto the tarp and fight to the death for the watermelon. The winner is the one who manages to get the watermelon back to their team. It's like mud wrestling, but with soap and a WATERMELON. The thing is, everything is SO DAMN SLIPPERY that you can't grab onto the melon, the tarp, or even the other guy. You kind of just have to brawl for it. I got kicked in the face thrice, punched everywhere, and had a knee smash into my chin. The only goal is to get the watermelon to your side, and once you do, you get a point.

WHATEVER IT TAKES

IT'S MORE INTENSE THAN A DOUBLE RAINBOW. And EXTREMELY MANLY. Because you're fighting and kicking and screaming and generally being EXTREMELY MANLY. Even if you scratch and bite, the inherent manliness of the game will keep you at 10 Man Points.

It's also straight, even though you are in close quarters with other people of the same gender. Extremely close quarters. But since thee game is so manly, you can do relatively homo things while playing without it affecting your heterosexual points (for further information, see Man Points and You). So Heterosexual Points is N/A, as they generally won't change. They may go up though, if you fight hard enough.

Lastly, this game is a boatload of fun. Kicking, fighting, sliding around, watermelons, what's not to like? The only bad thing is at the end, all your clothes are stretched (just a little), you're wetter than a dolphin, and all the soap will kill your grass. BUT IT'S FUN.

Also, the game ends when the watermelon breaks, and the team with more points wins. AND YOU EAT THE WATERMELON. Why else would it be taped up?

The end.

7 Easy Steps to Create Your Own Burger Chain

Guest article written by the snail; all credit goes towards him!

1. Cut down several hundred thousand acres of Amazon rainforest to grow soy for cow feed and to start breeding cows. Don’t worry about the species you’re going to endanger and eliminate, it’s all natural selection! If those pussies can’t adapt to us, then they don’t get to live. Those native tribes that used to live there? Just like those damn Mexicans! Let’s just make them work there, they’re not real people. To make sure you get a reserved spot in hell, make sure those cows poop and fart out enough methane and greenhouse gases to make China blush.

An example of prime beef cattle.

When you’re done with that, throw in some growth hormones and old Chinese newspapers into their feed to get them nice and fat healthy. 

2. Load all your greasy crap ingredients into ships, planes and trucks to be shipped to over 30,000 locations around the world. Add a few more million tonnes of greenhouse gases to the atmosphere in the process.

Who the hell cares? It’s our planet; we can do whatever we want with it. Fuck those who say otherwise. 

3. Hire underpaid tired and sweaty Asians/Mexicans/High school dropouts to assemble your processed shit

food. Make them work late hours in your dark, loud and confusing restaurants.

Can I supersize that lard bucket supreme?

Add a few screaming babies and annoying Chinese mothers into the 10 minute line-ups for your cashiers to

deal with. Then pave the way for a drive through and equip it with state of the art modern speakers from

1960 to ensure that customers almost always get their orders wrong. 

4. Put your burgers in a nice bright box with a golden “M” on it to hide the fact that it might clog your arteries

worse than the middle school toilets after sloppy Joes Tuesdays.  It’s not our fault if your arteries can’t TAKE

THE GODDAMN HEAT. Remember that step where you added growth hormones premium feed to your

cow’s fodder? It resulted in your lard 100% beef tasting like lard fresh and delicious.

The average fast food consumer in all his glory.

5. Just remember to hide place the nutrition facts in the back of the restaurant     under the food on the tray where they’ll never see it an easily accessible location. Make sure that your fries salt content doesn’t fall below 25% are fresh and warm or else people won’t like them. Sprinkle on a few dozen milligrams of sodium pinches of salt just for good measure. 

About this much should do!

The goal is to get these morbidly obese Americans valued customers addicted to enjoy the food.

6. Team up with Dreamworks or Disney to make small, cheap movie-themed lead-paint covered toys to throw into a bag and call it a “Happy Meal”. 

Now with 25% less lead paint!

Add cookies and caramel covered apple slices to ensure that these morbidly obese Americans kids are addicted enjoy the food too.

7. Let the morbidly obese Americans valued customers take the food “to go” so that they can litter cups, boxes and bags everywhere enjoy the food at home or on the run. Provide styrofoam cups to rip a big ass hole in the ozone layer with CFCs because they’re sanitary and efficient.

Speaking of big ass holes, Goatse anyone?

 Become a fast food giant and start selling it everywhere. EVERYWHERE. To suit international tastes,

serve cow tongue duck burgers to those in Eastern Asia who enjoy an Oriental taste.

Feel free to learn about the processed shit meals you can buy in other countries.

http://trifter.com/practical-travel/budget-travel/mcdonald%e2%80%99s-strange-menu-around-the-world/

Man Points and You

You may have noticed that in Andi's Gentleman's guide to Washroom Etiquette he mentioned things called "Man Points" and "Heterosexual Points". There IS a difference. You may be thinking "Why Bobby, aren't straight men manlier than gay men?". Generally this is true, but there are exceptions. Gay men who are extremely manly are still manly, no matter how gay they are. Gay is usually associated with shopping, wearing pink, saying FABULOUS, etc. But there are gay men who do not show any of these and instead are just gay. Also, Man and Heterosexual points are not limited to males. Females can (rarely) have Man Points, and usually have large amounts of Heterosexual Points.

Now that we've covered the difference between Man Points and Heterosexual Points, let's go over what they mean.

Man Points :

Your manliness. The more you have, the manlier you are. Some effects of having extremely large amounts of Man Points, including but not limited to :

1) Chick magnet.

2) Hair. EVERYWHERE.

3) Muscular.

You can have large amounts of Man Points and show none of these signs however. But as a rule of thumb, manly people show these characteristics.*

Heterosexual Points :

Your straightitude. The more you have, the less homo you are. Some effects of having extremely large amounts of Heterosexual points, including but not limited to :

1) Opposite gender magnet.

2) Can do whatever you want, even if those activities SEEM homo, because you're that secure in your orientation.

Again, these signs are not definitive, but they are a rule of thumb.**

Getting points is a lot like trying to change your weight. You are born with a certain amount of both, and it's hard to wiggle out of there, though you do have some room which you can float around in. But if you manage to break out and stay out, people will applaud and respect you.

So remember the Man Points and the Heterosexual Points, because they will be mentioned all the time in this blog. By the way, did I mention that following this blogs gives you more of both (unless you're female, in which case you only get heterosexual points) ? So click the yellow button now, and begin reaping the benefits it provides.

The Gentleman's guide to Washroom Etiquette

A comprehensive visual guide to must know rules whilst in the washroom.

The washroom can be a dangerous and confusing place; but with the aid of this guide, you will finally be able to make it through this ordeal without the loss of any man points, or without feeling awkward. After all, man points are essential.

A situation commonly encountered; simplified.

At all costs, avoid the urinal directly beside any occupants. Not following this simple rule will result in major loss of man points, and heterosexual points. There must be at least one urinal beside you and any other men. With one urinal between you and your fellow man, your man points merely remain intact. 

However, the more urinals there are, the effect is compounded. Rather than merely keeping all your man points and heterosexual points, you gain heterosexual points! So the more urinals there are, the more points you get.

As you can see, a five urinal distance yields a much larger reward than a one urinal distance. Just sayin'.

So as you can plainly see, always go for more urinals. The more, the better. Now, this brings us to another point: never make eye contact, or talk while at the urinals. It's just kind of weird.

These are several situations you may encounter.

Now, whilst most of these are awkward, you can prevent too large of a loss by simply ignoring them, or telling them that you're not comfortable. You can gain man points in these situations by punching them in the face. However, this also raises your douchebag meter. So, mix it up a little.

Now; these are the biggies. Not only are these not socially acceptable, but it'd just be plain rude.

For the love of god, urinals are not for taking a dump in. I'm serious.

It's sitting there. Just sitting there. MOCKING YOU.

I am fully serious at this point. I have had the displeasure of walking into a washroom about to relieve myself, when I see a big, fat, turd in the urinal. The urinal is for urine. I find it ridiculous how some people can't grasp the concept. Now, imagine if someone walked in while you were doing the deed.

So... what's up?

What the hell do you say? "Oh, I'm sorry."

So remember, this is essential.

urinal = urine.

urinal =/= dump.

And now finally, failure to follow this rule doesn't result in the loss of man points; rather, it's just rude, and an inconvenience for future occupants.

A detailed diagram I drew of exactly where to pee.

There's no reason why you have to crazy-piss all over the toilet. The next occupant will just be left going "What the hell?" and it'll stink afterwards. So. Yeah. Spread the word, and the washroom will become a more pleasant place for everyone!

Tweet!

Twitter has very useful applications; one of which is demonstrated in this comic here.

How the majority of people will respond.

The Birds and the Bees

I've always wondered what the bird and the bee think of their sexual escapades. I imagine that neither will particularly enjoy the experience.

How it'll go down.

Inaugural

Quiet around here, because this is the first post. Or it would be if Andi hadn't decided to post a polar bear on the front page. In any case, this is a blog the two of us will be running. In other news, I'll be taking comic requests, if I'm in a good mood. With all said and done, NEW COMIC. WELCOME TO THE TOAST.

WHAT DO YOU RIDE?!

I ride a goddamn Polar Bear, that's what.